The Privileges
When people hear the word “privileges”, they think power, status, money. Yes, these are privileges, but accessible only to few people. The other smaller privileges that we give to each other, in everyday life, define more the nature of the relationships between us, the common people.
A question always intrigued me: “why people around you, family, friends, acquaintances, and work colleagues, grant you certain privileges in your relationship with them?” And by granted privileges, I mean behaviors or things you can say or do, that the others accept only from you and not from anyone else.
My numerous attempts to find a suitable answer to this question has lead me to the following two observations:
Your history, your values, your kindness, your caring, your gentle way with people, your intelligence in solving their problems, your endless patience to listen to their stories, your big heart in accepting their changing moods, your tolerance to their strangest behaviors, your open mindedness about their fantasies, your self-discipline to always be there for them, your constant worry about their joy before yours, your generosity towards their wishes and desires, your self-abstraction for their self-fulfillment, and your relentless dedication to ensure that their life amounts to something beautiful, peaceful and joyful, DO NOT grant you any privileges, with the majority of people, the ones I referred to previously as the dark souls.
In most cases, the opposite attitudes and behaviors grant you more privileges. These latter are often self-proclaimed and imposed on kind, tolerant, big hearted, and open minded individuals or on weak, cowardly and submissive ones. In other words, if you keep people on their toes when they are around you, you make them feel that they always owe you something, you tell them every day how much you suffered in your life, and how much effort you exerted in helping them when they needed it, you remind them constantly how grateful they should be for your presence next to them, or, when you are in a more powerful position, you make them cynically and continuously understand that their livelihood is a direct consequence of your satisfaction from their behavior, especially when it comes to dealing with you, basically if you are a moody, egocentric, overbearing, and a despotic “dwarf”, THEN more privileges are granted to you, mostly from those who fear a direct conflict with you or a possible retribution, and occasionally from those who practice stupid and exaggerated tolerance.
People ask for true relationships, authentic ones, deep ones and yet fail to understand that a relationship with another person cannot become all these things if few tangible privileges are not mutually granted between these two people. Moreover, these privileges should not be given based on fear, or stupid and exaggerated tolerance, but on respect of each other differences and aspirations in life, on a real caring for each other well-being and joy, and in some cases, in addition to the respect and caring, there could be love between the two individuals. I insist that respect and caring must be the foundations. Love alone is not sufficient, because love is very loosely defined, subjective, and always imbalanced between two individuals. Therefore, without respect and caring, loves degenerates into a dominance game, a rapport of force, a master-slave relationship, and we fall back into fear and stupid tolerance.
In the rare cases where there is respect, caring and love, then true relationships are built on the privileges we give each other …
The privilege to say what you think to that person, without fearing the consequences of a dispute or worse of a retaliation.
The privilege to be told by that person important things about their own life. The privilege to be trusted with intimate stories with the peace of mind that you won’t judge, or use this information against them in any situation, even if life sends you in separate ways.
The privilege of being asked for your opinion in certain matters and noticing that your point of view counts and is followed in actions and results.
The privilege of being waited for before the other starts drinking or eating, as lunch, dinner or any evening cannot start without your presence.
The privilege of becoming the god father of a person’s child, not because you are the socially smart choice, or to make a point to someone, or send a message to a group of people, but because you are the best choice for the godson and you are expected to play your role as a spiritual guide.
The privilege of being selected to be the best man of your friend and feeling his deep desire of giving you this key role of witnessing his happiness as he gets wed to his wife, future mother of his kids, and of watching over that family as it forms and grows.
The privilege of being who you are, even if in very rare* occasions, without premeditation, you hurt someone’s feelings. The privilege to be forgiven the next day, when you ask for forgiveness, as if nothing happened, simply because you are who you are. (* if the occasions become more than “very rare”, then there is a clear abuse of that privilege, and it won’t be scandalous if this latter is taken away by its original giver)
The privilege to live your truth unpolished, to allow the other to live their truth unpolished, always with the highest level of respect and caring for each other aspirations, hopes, values and feelings.
When, in a relationship, these privileges are given, and used for the betterment of the involved people and their lives, then, they can call each other friends, life companions, soulmates, sisters or brothers!
All else is another piece of trickery in one of the most pathetic chapters of the eternal comedy!