Timing and Style

There is no doubt that content is extremely important for any communication. Content is composed of three things: the meaning that we want to convey, the choice of the individual words, and the skillful combination of these words together to convey beautifully the intended meaning. Good content, as just defined, is a necessary but not sufficient condition for the success of the communication. Two equally important factors play a determining role in the outcome of any communication: Timing and Style. The most difficult case in communication is when the outcome desired by one end is different in kind (positive or negative) from the outcome desired by the other end.

When to start the communication (morning, afternoon, evening, before lunch, after dinner, after few drinks, sober, after many drinks, before or after something important happened to the person we are communicating with, …), how to engage (written, oral, phone, video, face to face, …), how to express the content (tone and body language, conversational or order giving, …), and when to stop the communication (with or without a final conclusion, with a real understanding of both parties of what has been agreed upon or with the illusion of one, …), are all crucial parameters defining the success or the failure of the communication, almost regardless of its content.

Timing

Surely, you have seen or lived in your life few situations where you said a firm NO to a proposition, and 5 minutes later you would have said a resounding YES. Here’s a simple example:

“A beautiful woman comes to you in a bar, with an attractive proposition (good content and style) to which you say NO, because you are married. 5 minutes later your wife calls you to tell you that she is leaving you.”

In this simplistic example, 5 minutes stood between a noble NO and an equally stupid NO, to the same proposition. This is what we call “uncontrollable timing”. When this happens you can attribute it (blame/praise) on (bad/good) luck. As you know, luck is like many other uncontrollable things in life, half of the time it is on your side and the other half on the other side.

You also have “controllable timing”. Controllable timing is about choosing the moment to start or stop a communication with someone. This choice will largely determine the course of the communication and its outcome. If you don’t know the person well enough to know when to start or stop a communication with them, then start by discovering that before you engage them in any communication. There are few universal rules about the wrong timing to start a communication, such as:

• Never too early in the morning or too late at night

• Never after a lot of alcohol or in a very noisy place

• Never when it’s clear that the other person is in a bad mood for reasons you ignore and you cannot do anything about

• Never when the other person is taken by something else, obviously more important or more pleasant than your communication

• Never when the other person signifies with his body language that it is not the right time. Or when he/she simply says: “please not now”

• Never when your instinct is telling you not to

• Etc.

The other key when it comes to timing is to know when to stop the communication. The vast majority of people fail in this critical decision. Stopping the conversation too early or letting it go too long, will most likely lead to an outcome not desired by any of the two parties, yet very few people pay real attention to this critical phase. It is even more important than when to start the communication.

The importance of timing is as old as the universe. With the universe, started the notion of time. Each star and planet were born at a specific time in order to give that one chance, in billions of billions, for earth to be and for us to be on it. The ability to choose the right timing is a universal trait planted in each of us. Some of us use it beautifully in our interactions with other people to achieve much more than the others who don’t.

Style

Good style is simply your style adapted to the style of the person you are communicating with and vice versa:

• Some people like written communications, some prefer verbal, others can only be communicated with effectively in a face-to-face setting.

• The content of the communication has a direct and important influence on the choice of the means:

+ For simple and not emotional content, a written communication could be sufficient, especially with people you know.

+ For complex or emotional topics, you have to revert to a voice or a video communication, and if it is at all possible, preferably a physical face-to-face one.

• Some like the communication short and snappy, others long and verbose.

• Some like the tone to be quiet and slow, others loud and fast.

• Some like the construction of the sentence to be sophisticated and complex, others simple and natural.

• Etc.

To know the style of the other person, you could simply ask them and they can simply tell you. But simplicity is not a universal trait planted in us, so often you need to revert to subtler ways. The most effective of the subtle ways is: listening to the other person carefully, keeping in mind the criteria by which you will analyze their communication, some of these criteria are mentioned above. Once you have collected the information that defines their style, then you test your newly adapted style with them, preferably face to face and on an unimportant topic.

Bring your style closer to theirs but do not copycat.

• People are really bothered when they see another person monkeying them, and they quickly lose respect towards that person.

• Moreover, if you don’t keep your own trademark on your communication, you run the risk of being forgotten very quickly after that communication is over.

Timing or Style

If you get it wrong on the timing, it is extremely hard to recover, unless your content is extremely important and unique to the other person, as the French saying beautifully points out: “a woman may forgive a man who forces the opportunity, but never a man who misses it”.

If your starting style feels inappropriate, with a bit of intelligence, quickness of mind and careful capturing of the other person verbal and gestural feedback, you can re-adapt it in real time, and still recover.

Finally, I don’t want to lead you to believe that if you choose the right timing and adopt the right style you will be able to interact positively with any person. There are two simple facts that you need to always keep in mind:

• Lack of impactful content is ok the first time, maybe the second time, but not beyond…

• Interaction is two ways … so, the other person needs to be genuinely willing to engage in a communication, or there is no communication.

To close, I will leave you with three wisdoms from my usual two friends:

• “Often the shortest path between two minds is disagreement” Gibran Khalil Gibran

• “Let your communication be: yes, yes or no, no” Jesus

• “It is not what goes into someone's mouth that defiles them, but what comes out of it” Jesus