The Memory
Fifteen years passed by! Vanished! Fifteen times Jesus was born and died. Fifteen times winter undressed nature and spring dressed her back. Fifteen times you welcomed a new year and bode farewell to an old one. Fifteen year, you were here and I was there.
Every year, you surrounded the wise old man and the lady of ladies, to welcome the greatest of all rebels, and I curled up on myself, to welcome the protector of the banished. Every year, you were huddled up together in the house of childhood waiting for the prodigious son, and I was exiled in the house of foreigners waiting for the king of the crucified. Every year, you were safe among the beloved, expecting the celestial beloved, and I was anxious in the night of the world, expecting the companion of loneliness.
What can I tell you about how I felt when, drinking a glass in my loneliness, I tried to see your faces, your eyes and your smiles, and I only found their images reflected in my memory?
What can I tell you about how I felt when, listening to my music, I tried to hear your voices, your laughs and your whispers, and I only found their echoes resounding in my memory?
What can I tell you about how I felt when, for many hours during the night, I tried to touch you, to hug you and to kiss you, and I only found your shadows floating in my memory?
The memory, then the memory, and still the memory!
Tell me about these fifteen years. How did you spend Christmas Eve? How did you welcome your savior? How did you dance, drink, and laugh? How did you remember my existence? Did you feel my desire to see you? Did you perceive my sorrow for being away from you? Tell me about each word you uttered, and each thought that crossed your mind. I want you to tell me everything; I want to engrave all these details in my memory, and to imprint them on my imagination, so I can remember them in each moment of loneliness.
The memory, then the memory, and still the memory!
This year, 1999, after fifteen years we get together, to welcome the one who came to save us from ourselves. This year, we spend few hours of our Lebanese winter, in the warmth of each other. This year, we remember all the past years, and we try to forget that they stole fifteen years of our life together. This year we are together, drinking and getting drunk, gathered in our love, and hoping we will stay in this evening forever.
My joy is immeasurable!
My heart is beating in a different way. My soul is exalting in every instant. I am resourcing myself from these moments. I am filling my mind with their fragrance, their taste, their softness and their nostalgia. I am storing these sensations of love and tenderness deep in my heart, as a constant reminder, every day of my life, that, somewhere on this planet, there are other hearts beating to the same rhythm and guts wrenching with the same intensity.
The memory first, then the memory, and at the end nothing remains but the memory! The memory of the smiles, the joys, the frowns, the sorrows, the drinks, the arguments, the reconciliations, the suffering, the tears, and the kisses! Yes, the memory of all this brings us closer, caring about the life of each other, and bound by an unshakable love. The memory, my dearest ones, then the memory, and still the memory! After separation, after death, remains the memory, the eternal memory of YOU!