Another Reality
In the evening of that day, a heavy feeling takes hold of my heart. The thoughts become evasive, the look elusive and the breathing difficult. I perceive the people surrounding me like puppets babbling words I don’t really hear nor I try to understand. They seem moving like robots and their conversations appear like a string of sounds without any logical consistency. At the same time the objects in the house take a new, visible and significant existence. I look at the flight of stairs and I remember how it was built, how many stairs it contains, and which of them has the most beautiful marble print. The table seems to me like a living being, anchored in the floor and waiting for something to happen. Every object in the house starts having an importance, a history, and a future! As much as the objects, in that evening, incarnate souls and live a life of their own, as much as the people become temporary, not connected to me except by the ground that we are treading and the air we are breathing.
During that evening, the words I usually hear from the people at our house are a mixture of encouragement and regret. They wait until these last moments to give important life changing advices and to set free their repressed wishes. While receiving these pearls of wisdom, I move my head up and down, approving or rarely disapproving, as this begets further unwanted conversation, without any genuine understanding of the words they are mumbling.
At 10pm, I dismiss myself from the assembly to go take my shower, as I usually don’t have time to do so the next morning. When I get to the bathroom every move becomes important and has its impact: first I turn on the hot water, I take off my watch, then I remember that I need to turn on the engine that increases the water pressure, otherwise the water comes out very weak from the shower; the crooked plumber and the stupid architect faces flash in my memory, as I push the black button of the engine. Back to the bathroom, I wait for the hot water to finally decide to reach the tap, yet another marvel of the crooked plumber; as it takes 3 minutes before this magical event happens! Finally, I start taking off my cloth, I enter the shower and, as I do that, I look out from the window to contemplate the opposite mountain; a huge, dark, imposing mountain, linking the sky with the sea and sitting there for thousands of years past, and thousands of years to come, … Every insignificant gesture I usually do without even noticing becomes important and solemn, as it is the last one!
After putting on my clean cloths, one after the other, in a ritually defined order, I go back down to sit with the talking machines. As I am descending the stairs, I grab the wooden ramp and I feel the little dent under my right palm. I immediately remember how this dent came to be, from a shrapnel of a rocket that hit our house in 1978, and how long it has been sitting there waiting for me to put my hand on it, then I realize that one day we will repair the ramp, the dent will disappear, and coming down on these stairs will never be the same again.
The hours of the night go by in this state of total disconnection from the normal reality. I feel as if I am suspended in another reality, more detailed, more tangible, slower, making the last night in my house, in my home, in my country, seem longer!
At dawn, after a sleepless night, the departure becomes imminent, all remaining people stand up; I do the same, painfully! I gaze in their eyes, I see sorrow in some, drift and doubt in others, and I wonder if their eyes are just a reflection of mine! I look at every object that kept me company throughout the night, I see all of them stable and still, as if they hate goodbyes, as if they are trying to tell me: “soon you will leave, and soon after you will come back.” I wish they were right!
The taxi taking me to the airport is not far; my soul feels its roar before my ears hear it. My heart starts to tremble, then jump in my chest as if he is trying to find a corner where he can hide and be safe from emotions; a hiding place where the sorrow will not find him and the tears will not reach him. What a fool, he tried this trick few times before, with no avail. He is stubborn and never gives up!
The driver blows the horn. I have to go now. I have to say goodbye to the people who stayed with me all night, to the people who love me. Oh, how much I hate these moments! Every hug feels like the whip of a torturer on the back of the slave and every kiss transforms into the stabbing of an executioner in the heart of the condemned. After the hugs and the kisses, comes the separation; the sword is retrieved from the wound and the tears start rolling down announcing the near end. I walk to the garden gate, whilst every member in my body is quivering. It becomes difficult for me to hide the pain and the sorrow. I communicate them in every word I utter and I express them in every slow and lifeless move I make. I get in the car and my eyes are veiled with sadness, I can hardly discern among the faces staring at me. These silent moments of separation are the most painful; their silence thunders and roars inside my soul! A stronger choke seizes my throat, scrambling my thoughts and blocking the oxygen from my brain; it wants to go out, to evaporate, to disappear, but my vain and stupid brain disallows it and orders it to retreat back to my heart!
Finally, when the car leaves the house, besieged by all my emotions, my brain falters and surrenders. The repressed strong choke comes rushing from my chest out of my eyes, with an unprecedented abundance. The sacred liquid starts running down my cheeks, seeking oblivion, but my lips catch it and make me taste its salty bitterness.
The car continues its journey to the airport, there is no going back, another reality is ahead of me, my exile is my future, my tears continue to roll down to my lips, and my soul continues to be submerged by their bitterness.
Leaving my home, my loved ones and my country, not knowing when I will come back, was very hard, painful and sad! It broke me and remade me, for better and for worse!